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本帖最后由 Elizabeth 于 2012-8-3 07:30 编辑

背景:完全国内学校9年级,
文章重在思想。
这样的孩子完全依靠在国内学外语时的阅读和写作,平时说话也听不出非母语的。

                                                                      Change life or stay same?

     Normally, different types of people treat life differently. Whether to experince novelty from time to time or to stay the same and enjoy the present depends on how we look at it. I prefer to go through changes in my life, there're several reasons for my preference.

    Firstly, to undergo variation means that we'll always acquire new knowledge. People who are in favor of having new experinces are always eager to know about things around them. Analyzing items that's fresh and original will make them feel excited. Therefore, such people gain more and more wisdom throught various practices, which makes them intelligent. In contrast, people who avoid to try manifold experiences and prefer to remain the same regulation everyday usually don't have the passion to learn more. They may find it pointless to obtain knowledge since they never wanted to shift the pattern of their daily life. To them, deriving witness seems a little bit unnecessary. But that will cause them to lose their talent as days go by.

   In addition to this, people who long to diverse their lives frequently meet new friends through their experiences.  I tend to believe that inerpersonal ability is imperative to all of us. To build a capricious life also means to expand the sphere of people you interact with. This will not only bring fun to your life but also improves your diplomatic skills. However, those who resist to modify the way they live might be unwilling to receive new mates. For they consider it dispensible, as they constantly stick to their immovable group of members. As a result, they commonly lack the capability of communicating with people they aren't familiar with.

   Besides, that hobby plays on important role in one's life. If we regularly alter our everyday schedule to experince more, we may be able to find more interests. This could enrich the meaning of our life and make it more capious and profuse. Also, exploring new things that we are keen on will enable us to become versatile. Oppositely, people do not enjoy chopping and changing will often lead a life that's non-affluent because they never wish to earn more indulgences. In that way they may lose the enthusiam and zeal of their living, which turns them into monotonous persons.

   It could be referred from my statements that people who desire variations are usually intelligent, diplomatic and versatile. On the other hand, people who stay in the same attitude towards life are deficient in all these. Consequently, I choose to receive new experinces rather than be an identical person every day!


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  • Elizabeth

    楼主 2012-8-30 19:36:42 使用道具

    这篇非常好的文章,推荐阅读。
  • gocrack

    2012-8-31 10:58:35 使用道具

    本帖最后由 gocrack 于 2012-9-1 09:47 编辑

    很少光临此版块,因为小女还没有涉及英文写作。今天不知怎么打开这里了,一看还真是“开卷有益”,启发不少。

    看了一下此文章,真的象楼主的说的,文章贵在思想。初中生有此思想,着实不易。但这篇文章由英语用词方面不妥,有些句子也让人读起来别扭点。实在是让人不吐不快,如有冒犯,请楼主见谅。

    对用词方面的,我自己的感觉如下。

    Change life or stay same?

         Normally, different types of people treat life differently. Whether to experince novelty from time to time or to stay the same and enjoy the present depends on how we look at it. I prefer to go through changes in my life, there're several reasons for my preference.

    experince 更象是经历过的, 还不如来个try实在。
    stay 用remain好点.

        Firstly, to undergo variation means that we'll always acquire new knowledge. People who are in favor of having new experinces are always eager to know about things around them. Analyzing items that's fresh and original will make them feel excited. Therefore, such people gain more and more wisdom throught various practices, which makes them intelligent. In contrast, people who avoid to try manifold experiences and prefer to remain the same regulation everyday usually don't have the passion to learn more. They may find it pointless to obtain knowledge since they never wanted to shift the pattern of their daily life. To them, deriving witness seems a little bit unnecessary. But that will cause them to lose their talent as days go by.

    undergo 有遭受苦难之意思,在此欠妥,又不如用experience或go through.
    variatioin, 这个还是用 alternation 之类的吧。
    Therefore, such people gain more and more wisdom throught various practices, which makes them intelligent.
    这句话写得要逻辑性强点。智慧是点滴积累的,而人是越来越聪明的。写成这样让人读起来要舒服很多:
    Therefore, such people gain wisdom bit by bit through various practices, which makes them more and more intelligent.

    manifold, 多样性的及多面化的意思强点,与experience搭配似不妥,用more experience不好吗?嫌太土了?

    remain the same regulation: 给我感觉是规章一类的意思,要我写会用run the same routine.
    obtain: 获得某物用obtain。知识还是acquire。这里还要加个new好点, acquire new knowledge.

       In addition to this, people who long to diverse their lives frequently meet new friends through their experiences.  I tend to believe that inerpersonal ability is imperative to all of us. To build a capricious life also means to expand the sphere of people you interact with. This will not only bring fun to your life but also improves your diplomatic skills. However, those who resist to modify the way they live might be unwilling to receive new mates. For they consider it dispensible, as they constantly stick to their immovable group of members. As a result, they commonly lack the capability of communicating with people they aren't familiar with.

    interpersonal ability 也可写成interpersonal skills

    is imperative to all of us: 受不了imperative这种命令性意味的单词,咱们还是用essential或significant吧。英汉词典有时害死人,其实imperative在Thesaurus一类词典里面与important的关系还真的不大。

    To build a capricious life: capricious 是形容本性反复无常的意思,如天气,脾气等。 还有life不是build吧,整个可写成to lead a colorful and varied life.

    diplomatic skills: 外交的. 还是社交吧: 用social skills 实在。

    modify the way: 用change吧,modify和change之间的微妙区别在于modify对事物多点而且modify属于那种不会改变太多的change.

    commonly lack the capability of: commonly 用 usually, commonly是普通之意思。capability 是能力,用skill好点,缺乏交流技巧并不代表没能力吧。

       Besides, that hobby plays on(应该是an,打字错误?) important role in one's life. If we regularly alter our everyday schedule to experince more, we may be able to find more interests. This could enrich the meaning of our life and make it more capious and profuse. Also, exploring new things that we are keen on will enable us to become versatile. Oppositely, people do not enjoy chopping and changing will often lead a life that's non-affluent because they never wish to earn more indulgences. In that way they may lose the enthusiam and zeal of their living, which turns them into monotonous persons.

    could: 感觉用will 恰当点,情态动词的微妙之处。
    chopping and changing 有贬义,和前面的capricious差不多,再加个enjoy让人更是觉得别扭;indulgence是放纵及不良嗜好之意思, earn more indulgence想表达的意思是赚更多的钱吧,那就直接写成earn more不是很好. 我会把整句改成:
    On the contrary, people do not want to change will often lead an unrich life because they never want to earn more.
    这样要让人读起来顺多了.

    which turns them into monotonous persons:
    monotonous用mediocre 吧, monotonous形容个人说话无味可能好点,说人平庸还是mediocre.

       It could be referred from my statements that people who desire variations are usually intelligent, diplomatic and versatile. On the other hand, people who stay in the same attitude towards life are deficient in all these. Consequently, I choose to receive new experinces rather than be an identical person every day!

    intelligent, diplomatic and versatile: diplomatic用sociable 更恰当.
    ...who stay in the same attitude ... stay in还是用hold吧.
    deficient有缺陷之意了,整个可改成are lack in all these aspects.
    Consequently,是有前因后果关系的“因此”,这里用 therefore即可.
    identical 是有身份意义上的单一,这里还是用ordinary吧。

    总评一下: 全文的观点还是不错,论述逻辑性比较强。但是用词造句方面要加强,特别是对词汇的深度学习不够,而且可以看出有深受英汉词典的影响的痕迹。有时不恰当的单词用法更让人感觉是词藻的堆砌,写作上,还是simple the best吧,词能达意即可。

    以上一点拙见。不当之处,请包涵指正。

  • animy

    2012-9-1 23:40:29 使用道具

    楼上的点评太强了,真是高手啊!
  • lingyun2012

    2013-1-18 16:08:28 使用道具

    都很强。我大学六级都比不上这9年级孩子的词汇量。上面的点评就更强了。作文,一是立意,二是结构,三是遣词造句。
  • 用户3830766616

    2013-12-2 20:29:04 使用道具

    好厉害真棒啊,妈妈怎么教的啊,羡慕。
  • minamina

    2013-12-5 08:05:40 使用道具

    当然是寻求改变
  • smallwe

    2013-12-8 20:40:19 使用道具

    高手如云,进来学习学习!
  • 小年儿

    2014-5-20 14:58:07 使用道具

    很好的帖子,收藏了。
  • stevenysh

    2017-2-16 08:20:34 使用道具

    小牛孩儿写作文,牛人点评。好好学习一下,英语虫子们要努力呀!
  • 家在西山

    2019-5-30 09:48:02 使用道具

    牛人点评啊!!!!
  • 家在西山

    2019-5-30 10:09:53 使用道具

    不错的文章!
  • sunnyflowersgn

    2019-5-30 10:20:51 使用道具

    孩子很棒,点评的爸爸高人一枚
  • Giant

    2019-10-24 09:11:50 使用道具

    很棒